Rising Again and So Much To Learn: A Home Practice: Reno, NV: June 10, 2020

Once upon a time I had a fancy life as an art gallery owner. Many paintings from those days still hang on my walls, but for me, glitzy glamour is gone. Yet the shine is still there! ! It is for all of us. xoxoxo

Once upon a time I owned a chain of art galleries. We were fancy, and we threw gallery openings so lavish I usually wore a long dress. Our company and my marriage, both, burned and crashed for a lot of reasons, one of which is that I didn't take to "hard times" with much ease or grace. I mean, even in "good times" I run north of anxious.

Fast forward a couple of decades and into perhaps one of the most challenging times for humanity, Covid and race riots. Like many I've lost my job and my heart is breaking in a million pieces for all beings everywhere.

I've learned a few things in the past 20 years to help me cope with, as Buddha says, “life is suffering”. Sitting here for three months has brought up a lot of regret, which compounds an already uncomfortable situation. I've not been exactly wise with my money, I've not be racially sensitive, I haven't honored my inner creativity. These things bother me, yes. But these things don't crush me with shame like it used to. I know I’m capable of learning. I’m capable of listening. And most uplifting of all; I’m capable of change.

“A yogi lifts the self with the Self”, says the Bhagavid Gita. Through the practices of yoga I'm learning to sit with, be with, investigate, even snuggle up to pain. She’s my biggest teacher in these dark days, she has a lot to offer, a lot of unlearning, and much to guide me to a higher way of being. One of the "promises" in the program of AA is, "we will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it". Learning how not to be, what doesn't work, is in many ways more valuable than striving to “be good”, and it knocks the wind out of that "perfect person" myth. Maybe that's part of the reason aligning with the yogi's suggestions of "non-harming", "non-stealing", "non-excess", "non-grasping" is every bit as powerful as their partners in moral conduct (in the yamas and niymas) stated in the positive, "truth", "purity", "contentment", "discipline", "self study" and "surrender".

I'm going to be 59 in a couple of days. I'm learning how to post yoga videos, and you know what? That long gown wearing, champagne swilling, gallery owner is just barely there. I barely recognize the woman there. I mean I feel like me, but I don’t look like I think I look. Gone is the glitzy glamour; present is Covid hair, gone are the eyes trying to sell you something, and present is a beckoning to allow connection for the sake of unity and being together, nothing else.

There's not a stitch of makeup, and if you look closely you'll see I'm cloaked in vulnerability. I'm glad I know what it means to power through fear, but I'm even more grateful to be able give that up; to make room for another way of being. One that allows, not forces. And one that has roots in the unglamour of a pandemic rather than the fakeness of store bought hair color and the allure of more, more, more.

I will rise again. And again. And again. Which also implies falling. But it’s not so scary because I am committed learner. While I haven’t mastered no regrets, and I have times when I do wish I could slam the door shut on dwelling on bad decisions and past mistakes I also see It’s a waste of time to sulk, wring my hands in things I can’t change, or feel sorry for myself.

I don't wish to shut the door on glamour and money and travel, I do wish to do it better. I have a lot to learn about how to do that.

And I will rise again and I will do it better.

Health, Love, and Rock N Roll