The Sierra Nevada's and Sutra 1.16: High roads: A Home Practice: Reno, Nevada: September 10, 2020

Dog in my arms, Mt. Rose behind my back. Summertime in the Sierra's is exquisite.

Alright already. I surrender. I surrender to Covid-19 and all the mayhem, fear, and loss of income. But I also surrender to right now. And yet I still struggle. Jesus, I’m trained in calming techiques. I practice them on a regular basis, like everyday. I get a little hang time, and another wave rolls in.

For a second there, I thought I was a gone-er. Lost in a downward slide towards giving up. But it doesn’t feel like that inside, not really. Rather, there is a glimmer of possibility that maybe I’m just making my way to the other side. The spinning around is the spiraling path the yogis talk about. Keep practicing, even just a little bit and we will keep walking towards clarity, they say.

I feel a wave of relief and some inspiration to keep moving forward, not in a way to sidestep the pandemic and chaos, but to step in line with it. The yoga sutras say that we must be measured in our efforts and ease, or practices and our surrender, and I've been tuning into sutra 1.16 which says the highest practice of surrender is leaning into a glimpse of the Divine, not just away from pain. The life I want doesn’t include these regular panic attacks. I want to be strong and able bodied, clear and calm in mind, and soaring in my spirit. I want to trade the weighty buzz of anxiety to the uplifting tingle of joy.

My friend Lisa and I have been sending each other a list of 10 daily wishes. It is an early morning writing practice, that is offering a moment of clarity. How do I wish this day to go, what direction do I want to steer my life? I do this first thing in the morning, sipping my coffee. Before the news. Before Facebook. Usually around dawn when the rest of the world feels still asleep. I carve out a moment to wish myself, sutra 1.16 style, towards the light. The Gita reminds us it is helpful to have desires and intentions, but also is clear we are not entitled to the fruits. Grace and God handles the details. I admit, as the day progresses I get less good at the surrender. I want those fruits and I want them NOW.

Meanwhile our house in Reno is in escrow. Talk about wanting to pick fruit. I want this house to close easily on September 17, or before, and I want her new owners to be happy here. I want to go to Maui and regroup for a while. I do love the Sierra’s but am not settled, for whatever reason, in our current space. I’d like a property with mountain views and room for a garden. And even more, room for my yoga and enough space from David who takes up more than the ample , beautiful 3500 sq. feet we currently inhabit. This is more exhausting that what it sounds; even panic attack provoking, like the day we went to look at property (see the picture above) in an effort to find the location to build a house, since we can’t seem to find the right one. Out of nowhere, somewhere between the walk back from the 4 acre lot and rolling into our drive way, I lost contact with my breath. Again. This is happening a few times a week.

I have house issues, clearly. Surrendering to God is the only place I feel at home, and man does that take practice.

I move my body everyday, the stress within, the overwhelm is always a little shocking. I don’t have any magic bullet to report to make it go away for once and for all.

Maybe that’s the surrender. Maybe that’s God tapping me on my frozen shoulder and bringing me to my mat and to my knees everyday. Guiding me every single day back, deep into the practice where, without fail, I feel safe.

Health, Love, and Rock and Roll