Say What? Yoga with Laurie at Amana Yoga Studio: Boulder, Colorado: March 11, 2019

Lakshmi was on the altar right in front of me, but I couldn’t see her until half way through the practice. Beauty and abundance is right in front of me too but when I walked into the studio I couldn’t see it. The practice today helped me see what I’m looking for is already here, and everything is going to be OK, underneath all the tour problems.

I really don’t know what I’d do without a yoga practice. I really don’t.

We’ve run into tour mischief, complete with a stay at in the emergency room because David’s blood pressure was at a stroke level. Altitude, strained voice, some general business drama sent his blood pressure into orbit. I probably could have used a test for myself . Thank goodness I had a practice stored up to fall back in but I tell ya, I was about to crack.

We’ve had to cancel all our shows, reroute ourselves between doctor visits in Denver and Reno, probably have another trip to Stanford to dig into his vocal mischief. The rest of this month is totally up in the air, Hell, so is the rest of the year. So much hinges on the findings on the next few days.

There hasn’t been access to yoga or much fresh air, and a lot of access to high stress. I was so happy I could find a class in Boulder this morning; preparation for yet another follow up doc visit and a 15 hour bus ride back home.

When we sat on the mat, Laurie said, “welcome what is here”. This was harder than handstand in full lotus. I am not happy at all where I am. I have not enjoyed much about this tour and I’m swirling in a mix of exhaustion, worry and anger. My skin is crawling. We did some hip and neck circles which helped loosen the tight spots, but it wasn’t until she instructed us to soften our strongest muscle…our tongue that I realized what I am saying to myself, my life is a total mess, and to the universe, everything is conspiring against me.

Its easy to see how our actions and speech effect our lives, less so, how our thoughts influence our speech and our actions. I’ve gotten pretty good at keeping my thoughts to myself particularly as a way to stay smooth out here on tour. We are a tight family and a few cross words or negative comments is never helpful. But yogis say underneath, it’s the thoughts in our more subtle realm that have an enormous impact on how we move around in the world. Hence all the practices are here to help calm our mind (PYS 1.2). I believed since I kept them to myself I wasn’t hurting anyone.

My anger and resentment is rising because I feel its drawing me further away from some of the things I love the most, which at the moment is teaching yoga and my little white maltese Star, who I left on Maui. I have a carefully laid plan that returns me to both on April 9, but it appears that date will also have to be cancelled.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m here to help David heal and get back to tour shape. I love him the most, obviously, because here I am.

But I’m also starting to wonder if I need to start to make my way back in to the life and the things that nourish me. It’s a sticky thought, that only is making this day harder because under that thought is a lot of confusion about duty and about being a good wife. I’ve been taught a wife always stands by her man and all that. No doubt some of my biggest spiritual breakthroughs have been in working out issues with David. I get why marriage is a sacred sacrament. Our ego, our self interest, our issues get called out. Things can get complicated, fast.

And yet my yoga practice has turned what I thought was “right alignment” upside down. It teaches me to be guided from the inside out, not the outside in. Its taught me to feel more than think, because my thinking has gotten me in hot water more than once.

Yoga sutra 2.33 says, “when negative thoughts present themselves, cultivate and think the opposite thoughts with feeling”. Reverse the flow. The sanscrit is pratipaksha-bhavana. Instead of harmful thoughts, cultivate feelings of love, kindness, and compassion, and so forth. The yamas and niyamas are specific tools for this, for example.

Instead of saying screw you, maybe I could say to the universe Thank You! Thank you for stopping this tour, thank you for catching David before he had a stroke, thank you for my family and yogi friends who reached out and been so loving and helpful and supportive. I get to go home! Wow lucky me.

All this difficulty has make great material for my book, for this blog, and sparked a workshop idea. Its made me a better yogi because, once again, the practices showed up. They saved me from myself, and probably a little easier to be with on the long ass bus ride back to Reno.

So what do I have to say about all this, now that I ‘ve had some mat time and a little pratipaksaha-bhavana?

Thank you, thank you. This is all just really awesome.

Health, Love, and Rock N Roll
Winifred